And yet more musical jokes

An old man was playing the fiddle at a barn dance. He was sitting on an old pickle barrel and his pants zipper was unzipped. While playing, the family jewels fell out and were hanging down in the barrel.

 

An old lady observed all of this and felt obligated to tell him what had taken place. She went up to him and said, "Do you know your zipper's unzipped and all of the family jewels are hanging in the pickle barrel"?

 

The old man said, "No lady, but if you can hum it I'll play it".

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Alternative Lyrics to YESTERDAY

Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay.

Now my database has gone away.

Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be,

And there's a deadline hanging over me

The system crashed so suddenly.

 

 I pushed something wrong - What it was I could not say.

Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

 

Yesterday, The need for backups seemed so far away.

I knew my data was all here to stay.

Now I believe in yesterday.

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Female vocalist asks her keyboard player, "I'd like to do 'My Funny Valentine' tonight... but can you think of a way to 'jazz' it up?"

 

Keyboard player replies, "Sure, we can do the first chorus in G minor, then modulate to G#minor for the second chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor in 3/4 time for the bridge, then cut off the last 3 bars!"

 

She claims, "that might be too complicated to do without a rehearsal!"

 

Keyboard player responds, "Well, that's how you did it last night!"

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Definitions:

* upbeat: a threat made to singers, i.e. sing, or else....

* crescendo: a reminder to the singer that he has been singing too loudly.

* conductor: a musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.

* transposition: the act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the sopranos.

* vibrato: used by singers to hide the fact that they are out of tune.

* coloratura soprano: a singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.

* bar line: a gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or two.

* cadence: when everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.

* lamentoso: with handkerchiefs.

* music: a complex organisations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.

* treble: women ain't nothin' but.

* bass: the things you run around in rounders.

* clef: what you try never to fall off of.

* major scale: what you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn! That was a major scale!"

* audition: the act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind.

* interval: how long it takes to find the right note. There are three kinds:

         1. Major interval: a long time.

         2. Minor interval: a few bars.

         3. Inverted interval: when you have to go back a bar and try again.

* Agnus Dei: a famous female church composer.

* metronome: a city-dwelling dwarf.