Love in Fear

At the start of the week, I came face to face with the person I dread the most, in the whole world. I had NO idea he was back in the country, in fact I thought I'd never have to see him in my entire life. But for some as-yet-unknown-reason (to me, at least), the Lord has seen it fit to expose me to this... this... creature (I'm loath to call him a man. My dog has a nobler character than him).

I met him at the College of Music library. I ran in to return the score for a harang later on that evening, and I saw his familiar figure. It can't be!!! I screamed in my head, but I knew it was him. And true enough, he turned his head and locked gazes with me, and I felt afraid, more afraid than I've ever been in my entire life. Fear coursed through my veins, and it took all of my willpower not to turn around and run.

Somehow, I was able to force my feet to go forward, and I calmly deposited my book beside his pile in front of the librarian. I claimed my ID, and just as calmly turned my back on him to go about my business.

Somehow, I was able to go to the dojo and attend training as scheduled. But my heart was heavy, and my mind on dark things.

Somehow, I was able to sing later that evening, and act like the gay Filipina butterfly I pretended to be as I serenaded some Kenyan and Japanese visitors with upbeat pieces like Pamaypay ng Maynila and Sa Kabukiran.

And so I functioned like a robot for the next forty-eight hours, until I was able to talk to a friend about it, a few days later.

This friend gave no advice, but did something much, much better. He prayed over me, and just like THAT *snaps fingers*, my soul felt lighter. He reminded me of our Christian duty to love, as He loves... to love even those who are unrepentant of their transgressions against us, as He continued to love the soldiers as they nailed Him on the cross... to love and forgive those who would do harm to us if they could, as He forgave his murderers and cried out to God on their behalf: "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do."

I guess I'm more of a hater than I thought I was. And I know that, as of this moment, I would be grateful if I never set eyes on him again. And this is why I need to arm myself with God's Word, and repeat them over and over until they enter my heart and become part of me. Because if I do not, then I will be stuck like this forever: fearful, hateful, and mistrustful... a twisted, hollow shell of a human being, malformed and undeserving to be labeled as a creature made in His very image... unable to draw near to Him who is the source of all that is good and beautiful.

So after I finish typing this, I will write some verses on yellow post-its and stick them all over my room. :)

Have a fear-less weekend, everyone!

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath
torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love."
~1 John 4:18~

"Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest."      ~Jos 1: 9~

"In God have I put my trust; I will not be afraid of what man can do to me." ~Ps 56:11~

"... Ye shall not be afraid of the face of man; for the judgment is God's: and the cause that is too hard for you, bring it unto me, and I will hear it." ~De 1: 17~