On Broken Hearts

            

Image source: http://dncerkimi.deviantart.com

          I suppose one of the many reasons why I became a teacher is because I am a rather messed up person. Teaching allows me to tap into all aspects of my “craziness.” It is the only profession I can think of wherein one wears several hats: actor, nurse, surrogate mother, singer, slave driver, director, cleaning lady, cheer leader, comedian, accountant, dancer, librarian, athlete, the list goes on and on!

           Teaching allows me to indulge in the “wannabe” scholar within as well as the nurturing feminine heart all girls possess.   Teaching gives me both the routine that I find comfort in, and the excitement and spontaneity that I crave at times.

            And this week has been one emotional roller coaster ride, to say the least! From Monday’s overload of cuteness with the Little Ms./Mr. Intrams, to Tuesday’s action-packed back-to-back intramural games, to Wednesday’s mystery worthy of Sherlock Holmes, to Thursday’s heartbreak and Friday’s reconciliation… my heart felt like a yo-yo and feels rather exhausted at week’s end.

            And yes, my heart needs quite a bit of “me” time to heal its most recent crack. You see, it’s every teacher’s nightmare to discover that their student, whom they have known and loved for many years, is the complete opposite of what they thought they were. And it’s especially painful to accept, and very difficult to continue loving the student through what Maria Montessori calls “the eyes of faith.”

             Teilhard de Chardin once said, “I had come to regard the world as radically and incurably corrupt. Consequently I had allowed the fire to die down in my heart.” I am struggling not to let the same thing happen to me, although I admit that there was a black time in the not-so-distant past, a low ebb in my own life, that I HAD let the fire die, that the only thing that kept me going was the joy that I found being surrounded by so many pure hearts whose innocence revived the flame burning low in me.

              And I know that there are some people who would say that the way to deal with all of this is to shield one’s self from all emotion, to stop feeling too deeply, to put an end to all ties of affection, of friendship between one and others who may, one day, break one’s heart with betrayal. That it would be so much easier to simply STOP CARING, and “grow up,” and be cynical and call it maturity, being so “wise about the ways of the big bad world.”

            And now this recent heart ache borne out of a broken perception…but now, now I am older and wiser. Now I know that the answer to all the brokenness we see around us, all the events that threaten to disillusion us, is truly to keep on loving. For, in the words of St. Augustine, “Who can be good, if not made so by loving?”

             And of course, there’s no heart ache that can’t be fixed with a good, old-fashioned sing-and-play of Handel’s immortal aria, “He Shall Feed His Flock / Come Unto Him.” ;) And if there's no piano around, a pint of vanilla ice cream with chocolate chip cookies inside would suffice.

On Clytemnestra and Femininity

Picture from Tanghalang Ateneo's web site

Recently I was lucky enough to be able to watch Tanghalang Ateneo’s production of the Oresteian Trilogy translated into Filipino, “Ang Oresteyas.” It is the infamous story of possibly the most dysfunctional family in literature, about Agamemnon (who murders his eldest daughter Iphigenia), his wife Clytemnestra (who kills her husband to take revenge for her slain daughter), their other daughter Electra (who loves her father and witnesses his murder) and their son Orestes (who slays his mother for his father’s sake). I will never forget the experience of seeing the Greek tragedy excellently acted out in all its bloody glory, which deserves another blog entry all by itself!

In the midst of watching the play, I couldn’t help but reflect a great deal on Queen Clytemnestra, who some might say is the central figure of the tragedy. She was a passionate woman who only ever truly loved her husband, but was forced to kill the love of her life because of what he did to their daughter. There were several lines in the play referring to her as a monstrosity, as a woman who only played at being a mother but had more “balls” than ordinary men, due to her strength of will. And while the modern in me couldn’t help but admire the idea of a strong “iron lady,” I felt disquiet, too, at the idea that one couldn’t be truly a woman if one didn’t fit the motherly virtuous Madonna image which was the convention in society that time.

Clytemnestra seemed so “foreign” because she was different, she didn’t subscribe to her society’s standards of femininity. And it seems to me that even today, women (more than men) are greatly pressured by society’s dictates to act a certain way.

It amazes me, for instance, how often little squabbles erupt in my Grade One classroom, over something as inconsequential as “crushes.” One little girl will accuse a boy of having a crush on her and wanting to make her his “girl friend,” something the boy vehemently denies. (Or sometimes it’s the other way around!) And while it may seem cute at first glance, I can’t help but be amazed at how precocious their awareness of “crushes” and significant others are.

So from a very young age, girls are taught by society that their value as a female lies in the ability to attract a mate, and that her value increases the more suitors she has. And anyone who went to high school knows that, for many girls, school is more about looking pretty for the good looking basketball players than developing a critical mind through scholarly pursuits. (I’m sure Malala Yousafzai would like to have a VERY strong word with those young girls…)

I suppose we can all learn a great deal from celibates around us, when we behold the quiet beauty that radiates from the faces of nuns and the solid strength that emanates from the truly holy priests. Surrounded by this bombardment of sexuality and the commodification of “love,” these celibate individuals remind us of the revolutionary power of virginity, of single hood.

When you really think about it, singlehood is not the negative state that HIMYM would have us believe, that it reflects on the person’s inability to attract attention from the opposite sex.

As Kathleen Norris put it, “Virginity is defined as being whole, at one in oneself. Singleness of heart is a state of being that returns to God in wholeness… this wholeness is not that of having experience all experiences, but of something reserved, preserved, or reclaimed for what it was made for. It is the ability to stay centered, with oneness of purpose. What might it mean for a girl today to be as the early virgin martyrs were and defy the conventions of female behavior? She would presume to have a life, a body, an identity apart from male definitions of what constitutes her femininity… her life would articulate the love of the community that had formed her and would continue to strengthen her.”

And so when some of my girl high school students ask me about advice on love and matters of the heart, I gently try to “sell” this idea of waiting, of feeling that it’s OK to hold out for the right man, at the right time. Because it saddens me to see so many girls run to the arms of immature boys incapable of having a real relationship, all because of society’s pressure on the girl to have a boyfriend “or else you’re worthless as a female.”

For your prince will come, one day. And then our Father will happily say, “Go and make your lives so intertwined that they feel like one flesh.” 

Thoughts on Love

Recently, several Teatro Regina actors and I watched the preview of PETA's multi-awarded musical, "WILLIAM," an awesome production featuring rap and hip-hop songs as a vehicle to present how the study of Shakespeare enriches the lives of a typical Filipino high school class.

The high school students who watched it with me were amazed, not only because of the quality of the production (truly world class!) but also because of how accurately the high school students characters were depicted. "They're EXACTLY like us, when we studied Shakespeare last year!" said one senior. "They have the same thoughts and feelings!" 

I told them, "That's because the play was written by a former teacher."

Anyone who has read Frank McCourt's "Teacher Man" or similar literature by teachers will know that educators have a golden opportunity to interact with all sorts of parent and their children. It's one of the things I'm most grateful for, and part of what makes a teacher's life so fascinating. 

Year after year, the children in our school come to us from all walks of life, from varying circumstances, and their combined personalities interacting within the classroom make for the most interesting anecdotes and stories! And every PTC season brings with it its share of tales of triumph and woe, where the teacher then becomes part psychotherapist, part marriage counselor (sometimes!), and part father confessor.

I'm grateful because I get to see, on an intimate level, the results of a couple's actions in the personality and physical well-being of their child. I'm not claiming that teachers are experts on bringing children up, of course, nothing can compare to the actual experience of giving birth to a child and bringing him/her up to be a good person. But the advice that teachers can offer to parents comes from the unique perspective that we get as a result of observing soooo many other children. And honestly, I think no crash course in Parenting 101 can be as effective as teaching! If only for the daily insights into the workings of the human soul that it offers.

The one thing I've come to realize is this:  All parents love their kids. But not all parents know HOW to act out that affection in the manner that would best benefit their child.

When you love someone, every action you do ought to be for their best interest. Even if it means denying yourself to the point of pain. Because love isn't merely a feeling that runs through one's body; love isn't simply having your picture taken with the beloved, then posting it on Facebook; love is, quite simply, the Cross. The Crucifix. Love made flesh.

Whenever I get exhausted from the daily challenges of teaching life, I just remember to look up at the body of the best Teacher man ever had, and I know I can't fail. He won't let me.

What Luna is Teaching Me

     

      About a month ago, three beautiful bouncing bundles of joy entered our lives. We got three rottweiler puppies, and our lives have been indescribably enriched. 

      We've had four dogs in the past, but never so many at one time! And perhaps, now that we're older and more mature, we're more able to appreciate the joys of having rolly polly puppies around the house.

      Luna is my darling girl, the only rose among the thorns. Her two brothers are adorable little rascals, but Luna is special because she is mine. And I wake up joyfully each morning at 5 a.m. so I can make sure she and her siblings are fed, and perhaps have time for a bit of a romp before I go to work.

      Dog owners (especially those of big breeds) will know that, due to their innately aggressive nature, these puppies will inadvertently nip their owner a tad bit too hard at times, or leave long welts on their owners' arms and legs in their attempt to shower their owner with love and affection. It's not all perfume and romance, so to speak, when handling rambunctious puppies! Especially three of them at once!

      But I've gotten used to it. I've grown accustomed to the small cuts and bruises on my limbs, on the affectionate tugs that they give my pony tail (they probably think it's my tail! And wonder why it's attached to the wrong side, hehe). It's a small price to pay for the sweet joy of having their shaking bodies pressed so closely to mine, and yes, they SHAKE all over from the excitement of seeing me, as if each time, it's their first and last and not the daily ritual that it's been for me.

        It's become a favorite part of my day to fondle Luna's ears, caress her belly as she gobbles down her food as fast as she can. I often wonder... if I can feel THIS much love (which sometimes startles me in its fierceness) towards a puppy... what more towards my own child or mate?

        And I've also reflected that... perhaps a decade or so from now, God willing, Luna will still be around to romp around with my own kids. :)

       I've also thought how wonderful it is that, despite my heart having been broken from the deaths of our four previous dogs, there's still so much love left inside for our three new ones. I am slowly realizing that the limits of the human heart are boundless, that we can eternally continue to love. Despite the cracks, bruises, and cuts from friendships betrayed, affections unrequited and trust in our fellowman unreturned, we LOVE because that's what makes us human and partly divine. 

        And it's the same for my students! Each year, I think to myself that I can't possibly love my students more than I loved mine last year, but I am always wrong. This year's batch is every bit as lovable as last year's! And it's so wonderful to be among the bouncing bundles of cuteness that the Grade One students are, and to see how grown up my previous students have become this year.

        "You know what I think prolongs life? Art and music. Beyond that, it is to have a heart full of love." -- from IF I LIVE TO BE 100: LESSONS FROM THE CENTENARIANS

The Thread That Runs So True

I'm entering my sixth year of teaching, and it both gladdens and worries me.

I'm glad because I'll be among children again, the loves of my life. The past two months of easier living, while certainly more leisurely, have been strangely empty for me. Simply put, I NEED to be around my pupils! And I can't wait to see them on June 10!

I'm a bit worried because the literature on the attrition rate for teachers suggests typical burn out anywhere from 3-5 years of teaching.

So when I go back to the classroom on June 10, I would have already "outlived" fifty percent of my batch mates, fellow teachers who started teaching in 2008. My co-teachers who will be returning to the classroom as permanent tenured teachers (after their probationary three years) will have outlived one third of their batch mates.

And so I find myself asking: How do we solve this problem? How can we stop good teachers from leaving the profession?

And on a more personal note, I ask myself: How can I avoid burn-out? How can I get rid of past bad habits in teaching, and continue to improve as a teacher?

I found a kindred mind in author Jesse Stuart, who wrote The Thread That Runs So True way back in 1949, and yet continues to impact teachers everywhere with the beauty and truth found in its pages! If Thomas Merton's Seven Storey Mountain sent young men to the priesthood in droves, I'd be willing to bet that Jesse Stuart's book did the same for teachers! :) It is SO well written, and I cannot praise it enough. It is everything you want in a book, and the best thing is that it's all true!

Whenever I find myself in a petty, ungrateful state of mind, and start to compare my work load with some of my contemporaries... all I have to do is think of Jesse Stuart who taught in a rural classroom when he was only 17 years old, where he had to teach 54 classes in the span of six hours every day, where he was also janitor and all around handyman in charge of the privies as well as the classroom.

His words are wise and beautiful, and I really should etch them in stone sometime and display them in the faculty room!

~ ~ ~

On hearing children sing:

"The needle's eye that does supply
The thread that runs so true,
Many a beau have I let go,
Because I wanted you."

"The needle's eye is the school teacher. And the thread that runs so true could only be play... Learn to work by play. All work should be play. Actually, teaching to me was a game. Maybe this was the reason I loved teaching."

~ ~ ~

"If every teacher in every school could inspire his pupils with all the power he had, if he could put ambition into their brains and hearts, that would be a great way to make a generation of the greatest citizenry. All of this had to begin with the little unit. Each teacher had to do his share. Each teacher was responsible for the destiny of his country."

"Within this great profession lay the solution of most of the nation's troubles. It was within the teacher's province to solve most of these things. He could put inspiration in the hearts and brains of his pupils to do greater things upon this earth. The schoolroom was the gateway to all the problems of humanity."

"I was a member of the greatest profession of mankind."

"Do not let the talent of any pupil born upon this earth with a fair amount of intelligence, be lost to the whole of humanity."

~ ~ ~

[When the financial crisis hit hard and teachers' pay checks were frozen all over the state, and no one had any idea when they would be paid again]

"I learned what the members of my profession were made of. They were working with their backs to the wall. I hadn't known members of any profession, up to that time, who had worked without pay, and without knowing that they would ever get their pay. But the members of the most underpaid profession did not whimper nor ask too many questions about their salaries. They kept on working... We lived on scant rations, wore the best clothes we could afford, worked on and on without the promise of a dime for our labors, and kept our big school system from collapsing."

"I told my fellow teachers to walk proudly, with their heads held high, and to thank God that they had chosen the teaching profession - the mother of all professions; that they were the ground roots of democracy. No other profession has influenced the destiny of so many people as has the teaching profession."

~ ~ ~

"I wanted to make my school not a model school, but one that would do a great service to the community. I wanted to make this school a beacon of light to eradicate the illiteracy of the older people and to educate young."

"In the big school, only a few could squeeze through to the top, while hundreds could never know the light of glory in achievement that often develops youth. A school was a stronger unit, no matter if it were small, where every pupil knew the teachers and every teacher knew all the pupils."

~ ~ ~

It makes me sad though, that even a very dedicated teacher like Mr. Stuart had to leave the profession he loved, several times in his life, simply because he could not make enough money to raise a family.

:(

On the other hand, he went on to write several books and was named Kentucky's Poet Laureate. :) And he returned to teaching later on in life, as a Principal and a university lecturer.

"First, last, and always, I am a teacher," he said.

If you could read only one book about teaching, let it be this one! Who knows... afterwards, you may decide to shift careers (like what my parents did!) and join us crazies fight the good fight.

On a side note, I'm really looking forward to the first batch of Teach for the Philippines, who will be starting their 2 years of teaching tomorrow!! Good luck, and may your tribe increase!

Before I Turn 30

                                                                      Photo taken from here

It's summertime! And I'm soaking in the precious moments... of 8 or 9 hour workdays (as opposed to the usual 12) and REAL weekends with actual leisure time. I'm devouring all the books I can lay my hands on, and I've been spending more time online as well.

In one of my online click-a-thons, I came across this lovely blog and got inspired to make my own list of sorts. It's similar to a bucket list, only with a very specific deadline: December 26, 2016. Yes, in a few short years, I'll be 30 (!!???!!!!).

So here's my "30 Before 30" List:

1. Read Tolstoy's WAR AND PEACE

2. Read NOLI and FILI... in Filipino

3. Read Marcel Proust's IN SEARCH OF LOST TIME

4. Eat a full course French style dinner (which might take 4-5 hours!)

5. Sip cafe creme while people watching in a Parisian cafe

6. Eat authentic Italian pizza

7. Read all of Plato's works

8. Have all my books bound in plastic

9. Attend a fiesta in Cebu

10. Soak in the beauty of Palawan

11. Get back to my college weight (I did it once.... I can do it again!)

12. Meet my English pen pal in real life (we've been pen pals since I was in 3rd grade!)

13. Watch an opera in La Scala

14. Watch a Broadway musical in Broadway

15. Run a marathon! (Even just the kiddie 3k one...)

16. Learn how to cook

17. Learn Krav Maga

18. Go pescetarian for a month

19. Go on a pilgrimage to Kecskemet, the hometown of Zoltan Kodaly

20. Go on a pilgrimage to Rome!! (and hopefully catch a glimpse of Pope Francis!)

21. Go inside a monastery or convent

22. Learn all of Schubert's and Schumann's art songs

23. Take ballet lessons

24. Go to Taal's crater

25. Visit the Scottish Highlands (and taste haggis)

26. Have proper English high tea in an English tea salon

27. Visit Oxford and Cambridge

28. Have a wee pint in an Irish pub and sing along in a ceilidh

29. Be able to transcribe a three-part Bach invention (musical dictation)

30. Be able to hit the high F in the Queen of the Night arias of Mozart

I don't know if I'll be able to do all of the above by the deadline... but hey! It's worth a shot! And it would be interesting to see how my priorities may change over the next few years... I might change some of the above, or completely delete them!

I'd LOVE to know what YOU have in your own 30 before 30 list!

Because Teachers are Superstars

                                                                     Image taken from here


School Year 2012-2013, my fifth year of teaching, officially ended last Friday when the school gave out its awards to the honor students and achievers for Recognition Day, and when the high school seniors marched to the tune of Elgar's and Verdi's immortal marches.

And yes, it's that time of easier living for teachers everywhere... it's summer time! The time that we work a mere 8 hours a day, when we no longer bring home bags of checkables every night, when evenings and weekends are filled with happy conversation, beloved friends, and AWESOME books.

Half a decade... I can scarcely believe I've been teaching for half a decade!! How quickly time flies when one is having fun. :) And yet... there is so much left to do.


“What if our children and young people learn to read and write but don’t like to and don’t? What if they don’t read the newspapers and magazines, or can’t find beauty in a poem or love story? What if they don’t go as adults to artistic events, don’t listen to a broad range of music, aren’t optimistic about the world and their place in it, don’t notice the trees and the sunset, are indifferent to older citizens, don’t participate in politics or community life?” -- Harvard education professor Dr. Vito Perrone ----> EVERY TEACHER'S NIGHTMARE! Certainly is mine.

As most of my friends know, I teach in an urban private school primarily catering to children from lower-middle/ middle-income families. The tuition fees are intentionally kept at an extremely affordable price, so much so that some people (who are unfamiliar with our school's sterling reputation and achievements for the past 19 years) judge us to be an inferior school, thinking that "you get what you pay for."

Well, I like to think of our school as a sort of "U.P. of the South." And in U.P., you most certainly do NOT get what you pay for. In fact, you get so, SO much more.

It's a struggle, I'll admit. It's a struggle when you, as a teacher, are by nature idealistic, and then on a daily basis, you encounter situations that test your integrity and values system. Which is why it is SO essential to recharge, something every teacher needs to make a priority every summer, to avoid the risk of burn out.

It's just like what Aristotle said: "The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet." I've tasted some of its fruit already, in the happy faces of the children I've seen grow through the years. I look forward to savoring the ripe finished products after my 70th year of teaching!!

Aside: The title for this post was inspired by this cute video of Hugh Jackman applying as a teacher http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fipSEmdj3i0